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Footnote: I dont really like this one that much now. Its all very interesting until the end, but the way he kills him doesn't really sort of work that well. But the background. I was feeling pretty depressed as usual, considering my state and I felt like I was dying which was ard to handle because the summer is here and everything and its so hard to face your own death when there is so much beauty in the world and I had no where to go as going anywhere sucks when your on your own, so I dragged myself down to the pub by the river. The reason I forced myself there was because it was like I had one last chance, like now was the end of my life, to enjoy some sunlight, the wind in my face and such, I as really looking forward to it. The thing with the sun is it brings everyone else out too. Anyway, I got there and there was this girl and she was cute and I thought of how near I was and yet how far and how someone must be fucking her and it wasn't me and even the idea of trying to talk to her was so completely useless and I just felt like shit, but she went outside and was sat by a bunch of other girls and this really fucking obnoxious looking twat. It made me really sick to see him there talking loudly to so many girls whilst I was alone and had no voice and all I wanted to do was kill him. I didn't even look at him for more than 2 seconds, but it made me really mad and it made me think of so much of what I hate. Anyway, as I said I was pretty dpressed anyway, and before I saw them I was contemplating the fact that I had dragged myself out and was thinking about how if I hadn't i'd still be sat at home, and I could almost see myself sat at home and it was so shit, like a real loser, I could see it with my minds eye like if I looked at any building and imagined a young man wasting his life sat in a chair doing nothing, all alone, and I was thinking of the waste of it all. I was thinking of the injustice (ok, maybe i'm I have problems) of it all like in such a fucking huge world I have to be alone like 'alone in a crowded room' and I could see it and it made me furious to image that no one did anything about it and in all my jobs they did everything to make it worse. Anyway, I saw that bloke and I wanted nothing other than to kill him. I cycled home thinking terrible things, I could see a pointlessness of it all, like there was no reason and I felt the only think to do was to write it down as a comic which I did right then. After I finished the pencils I felt bad about it, the 'half pint of beer' had worn off and it was late. Still, I thought I would finish it as its an interesting piece. I guess its just sick really, its not even funny. But it is strong in a certain sense although I dont like the pacing in the last row of images.

But more to the point, I had been studying up on Charles Manson and considering what he did. And I must admit that that was a bit influence in why I did this piece. I think it is worth noting that Manson never killed anyone, it was his friends that did the killing, under his influence as a charismatic man. His only real involvement was the fact that he went to the place where the murders took place after his friends had carried them out and moved the bodies about. He wanted to hang them up and quarter them but got scared off and left. It was as though he did not want to distance himself from what his friends did, which was a noble sort of thing to do, in a way. I cant condone murder, but even so, I feel a connection in his myth that I will describe. Anyway, during the court trial there was a idea that Manson was trying to start a process known as Helter Skelter, a term put forward by the Beetles in which white people were murdered to make it look like the blacks had done it which would start a race war. I think the blacks were meant to win andManson would control the blacks, but either way, the term Helter Skelter was scrawled on the fridge at the murder scene and I used it as the title for this piece.

There are a few points to note. Essentially Manson was one of the founders of AWTA or something like that. That stood for Air Water Trees Animals. They were sort of hippies and they believed in the land. They were trying to create a new colony of whites where the environment was put first. I dont know a great deal, but in the defence trials when one of the actual murderers was asked why she did it she said she did it for the trees. Now, I am thinking that these 'hippies' who believed in AWTA and were supposedly trying to start a race war or helter skelter because they didn't like blacks, i'm guessing, choose to kill the people they killed. Its worth noting that the people they killed were incredibly rich. They called them pigs. Its also worth noting that one was a movie star that was pregnant and one was a rich business man that had both instigated the manufacture of a bad drug, like acid, but with bad side effect, these were th times when LSD was legal I believe, and he was selling it, knowly, as a bad drug to young girls. Also, they were movie people, wpould go into Hollywood and pick up young girls, drive them to their home in the hills and has group sex with them which they secretly filmed. They also ripped a girl off for $5,000 on the bad drugs. All round this tells me that they were not nice people.

Setting the two sides up, on the one had the nature loving Mansons and their ATWA and the new 'legal' drug lsd who were building a clean new white only world free from hate and crime etc etc, versus the world of bad drug sellers and people that filmed group sex with niave Hollywood girls. I dont know much more, but it seems to me that the Manson crowd that were somehow vague friends, could see that they were bad people wound up killing them. I wont judge because murder is bad and wrong, bt it seems that they actually decided to do a good deed. The people they killed were getting incredibly rich, and they were peddling drugs they knew to be bad, they knew what they were doing, so really, who was in the wrong? The way I actually see it is that 'god' challenges all of us and the victims challenge was the Manson influence, and they failed to beat him. This is life.

Further, and this is a simple little fact, Manson is now a legend. They wont let him sign his name because it'll me him money and he cant earn money. During the trial there were issues regarding a lot of other murders including one in England where a guy who was an alcoholic actually committed suicide. What this makes me think is that Manson, like any other person was trying to grow as a human, but he was not blessed like the victims, he was not a movie star. It was not easy for him. If he had not done what he did, and he didn't actually do anything, he could probably have ended up as a too bit waster like the guy in England that was an alcoholic and committed suicide, a sad and lonely death. But because of his perception, and probably the LSD, which was not legal in England, i'm guessing, he led a life that ended up with him being a legend. He is 70 years old now. The only difference between me and him in a sense is that he is in prison and I am not. What i'm saying is that he is in complete isolation. Also, I doubt i'll et to be 70. He describes himself as a free man and I believe him as he has his mind as a legend, and apparently he has had 4 children since being in prison? ( will probably never have children) and 4 wives? i'm guessing as I only spent a couple of days reading up on him. Point is, he gets to fuck and have children and has free meals and is a legend, and me, as a law abiding person gets fuck all, total miserable and lonely solitude.

My final point and conclusion is really that what Manson and his pals did was to some extent right. When you consider the animals, they can kill each other, the laws of nature do not judge them. Now the victims were making a legal killing through drugs, movies and business. Manson and his pals took their human rights into their own and killed the people they killed. The only law to tri them was a law made by men, made by us as a society to deter people killing each other, but Manson et al did it, and they won. If they had not they would have been the big time losers that never were. My point is, the victims were causing suffering in humans, and probably suffering in the Manson family who had to bear witness to all that like I suffered when I went to the pub and saw that guy being an ass with all those nice girls. To heal that pain my only option was, in the heat of the moment, to kill him. I couldn't do that as he was to big and i'm too weak, but it caused me suffering that I could only vent through my drawing. I felt compelled to draw like I had no choice. then I felt bad. My point is really that Manson has made an icon of himself and I am just a loser. I dont respect him at all as I know little about him but I am intrigued by the implications to justice. As humans, should we continously accept pain and suffering or should we fight back and then face the consequences like Manson et al did? As human beings we all have to face the questions reagarding reason and purpose in life? To be great, to take a chance, to take our lives in our hands. To stand up once in glory and face death or to live on our kness in the shade. I had something else to say but I forgot what it was but it was important, I think. I think it was about our inherent human right to kill, and how it is suppressed in society.

Finally, I think its worth noting that people people I reffer to in the pub were probably normal nice people, it was my mental state that made me feel like I did. They were just out for a beer, I guess, and he didn't say the things that I have him say in the strip, that is just an extended analogy. Its also worth noting that someones fucking those girls. Thats something that always bugs me, its a thought like the thought of looking at the horizon and seeing myself sat in a room alone and I cannot bear that thought.

So, anyway, thats the strip. The background is out in a few of the panels as I couldn't be bothered to do it. It seems to work and thee text and his hair would be obscured if there was background. It took me a short evening to draw and 4 weeks to inks. Very slow work. Very boring as well because the heat of the moment had long died. I guess I like to capture those difficult moments. They are real, but critical in the analysis of tyranny and mental torture. They do stuff that sounds irrational, or rather the situation is irrational, like er, so you went to the pub, saw some people drinking beer, and wanted t kill them? er, like thats totally over the top, but thats not the point, there was a trigger that sparked a really torment in my head and it happens all the time. Every day I sit here alone I have to face it, and I believe its critical in what the people in power are doing on purpose, building empires where they create sad lonely people so that they can walk past them and feel the hate pour out like poer from a dam. They are controlly the power of your hate to drive their egos and stuff forward, they titilate your hate, but of course you might snap, and you might kill them. Its a real scenario, and as I said in Slaughter house, it s the fault of the provoker if you snap.

 

Anyway thats that. I now I sound like an idiot and I dont care, i'm just probing the way I feel and recording it. Because I can and it helps me to reflect like public statements in front of god. Of course there is no god, but it all in various ways describes the whole of the picture that I can see but know know what it looks like. Maybe its too extreme? I dont know. Use your own mind to jusge. and excuse the spellings.

 

Oh yeah, I just remembered what else I wanted to say. Its like little groups like that make me sick, but moreover, theres a cnce that the girls didn't know what they were doing. It was like he was a manager and they all went to the pub. For the girls its normal to go to the pub, but what they dont know is that people like me have been forced out, so he gets 5 girls and I get none, but do they know that? Also, I saw a stupid single bloke sat reading a book on his own. I hate single men that appear to have settled for a 'behemian' single life!!! I hate that, like they have resigned to failure. I hate them more than postmen which is something that makes me laugh, but it was like theres no justice, they take our girls as slaves and flaunt it at the pub. I thik I think a bit like a girl at times so I think I can see how they see things. What i'm saying is its easy to acceptgood things even if in the back of your mind you know its hurting people. I think its natural to do that. Like if a really rich charismatic guy at a bar said in a loud voice hey, how you? Want a beer, and was friendly in a non gay way I would probably say yes and 'kiss his ass' in a none gay way, you know, i'm weak like that, I would just chat about whatever, and its the same for girls, if someone has money, like a manager and hey say, hey, how about some beers they are bound to say yes, they dont think that somewhere out there is a guy sat all on his own that'll be insulted by that sight. THey dont contemplate it and because it is kept from their perception they never see it and then it is too late, she is an old woman living alone in a flat and he is fat and wealthy with his have wife living in a house and its too late. Thats what managers do. People like me are too weak to be managers and too strong to be pascified. Its a loose loose situation, too clever to do a crap job and too stupid to do a clever one. etc etc etc. I have to sleep now. Byr.